~. madame butterfly .~

Sa sobrang lungkot ko, di ko na magawang mag-blog....haaaayyyy...

  

2005

    

2006

 

2007

may pinag-kaiba b? wala... malandi paren!

I've been so busy lately bumming around that I forgot that I have a blog to update or that I love to share my thoughts with everybody. I didnâ??t realize that I could actually not leave our house for 3 straights days! Duh! I'm soooo lame! Anyweyz, figured out a couple of things while bumming around. These are things that I'd like to do:

    1. trust my skin more;

    2. know my fashion;

    3. be patient;

    4. be less angry;

     5. be less emotional & more practical;

     6. forgive him;

     7. fall in love with him again;

     8. live in the present & for the future, forget the past;

     9. be more sympathetic of mom;

     10. learn how to NOT retaliate

Change! Change! Change! Saket sa ulo! But I really want to have a better life this year and so if what it takes is to for me to get down on my knees, I'll do it! And I'll just raise it all up to the Lord. Amen.

How do we know if our decisions are right? How do we know which to give up & which to pursue?  Sabi ko dati I’m not a risk-taker. Now, I’m very much willing to change pero na-realize ko din why it was easier for me to just stay where I am.  Staying still could be dull and boring but at least I don’t have to know how hard it is to live.  The realities of life could sometimes be so cruel.

I took a big leap yesterday from my usual laid back life. Had an interview and this is the first after about a year & a half.  This is quite something kasi it’s for Kuwait. I got in which is somewhat a good news.  I thanked God for an answered prayer.  For months, Francis & I have been hoping na I could go to Kuwait so we could be together and start a family there. Well…it’s all been good except for one thing.  My parents doesn’t approve of it.  My Papa is as usual not feeling it right. He doesn’t approve of anything I do & I don’t think he’ll ever be.  He said I’ve got a good head on my shoulders but I don’t use it well.  Worst is, I actually believe him. Not that I’m blaming anybody for my short-comings pero sometimes, I think that’s the reason why it’s so hard for me to actually get out of my shell.  He never believed in me.  Si Mama….haaaayyyy…ewan ko ba!  Well she doesn’t want me to go ‘coz she’s afraid of being alone.  She gets so clingy nowadays ‘coz she’s always sick.  Actually, it’s really nothing much, nagiging overly emotional lang sya.  I think it comes with age.  She feels like nobody understands her, nobody‘s there for her and me leaving would mean that she doesn’t have anybody to hang on to.  I know masama loob nya saken ‘coz she thinks that I’m being so insensitive about what’s happening to her but I am not.  I just want to be strong for her.

Right now, my mind refuses to care about what my father thinks. I’ve had this long confidence & self-trust battle inside me because of him but today, I just don’t want him to have any say about this decision. But I love my mom a lot. And as much as she says that I don’t understand her, I really do. I just don’t want to let her see my vulnerabilities. I don’t want her to see me cry ‘coz I know lalu syang manghihina. Earlier I saw her crying and I know it’s because of me but what am I to do?  As much as I don’t want to be away from her and not be able to take care of her, I want to be happy & I want to be with Francis & I want to know how it feels like to be abroad.  Am I being selfish?  I really don’t know what to do…Bakit lagi na lang ganun? If I’m to give myself something, meron rin akong kailangang i-give up? 

I'M A BIG SLACKER!!!! I think I really enjoy bumming around!!!! Jhac, ingit ka? ahahaha joke lang! No, seriously! I've been contributing to Philippines’ jobless rate for almost a month now. It’s terrible, I know! But this is my time to really relax & give my time a break from everything & learn something about myself that could perhaps make me better.  And I did. Something hit me while I'm trying to contemplate my next step for this year. I realized that I am a big PROCRASTINATOR.  Some people could easily tell that about their selves but not me. I thought that procrastinating is plainly being lazy and it comes now and then.  I never thought that it could become such a bad habit that it could even impede my success in any part of my life like, forever!  I’m reading this book about self-improvement and it gives a list of major causes of procrastination and just to tell you guys, it says in the book that procrastinating could be an obsessive/compulsive behavior.  Another thing is it says that it is an excuse for our fear to take risk.  And then the bulb lit up and I realized that it was the reason why I actually stayed with my previous job for three years!!! Like what I said before, I already knew from the start that it’s really not gonna work for me and yet I kept on coming up with reasons why I should stay.  Then it became a hardcore habit!  I became too lenient, too complacent and over-the-top laid-back and then I woke up realizing that my job swallowed me whole!  I really didn’t know how the habit started. I always thought of myself as a risk taker.  I’ve taken a lot of risk in my life even with in my relationships and my friends could definitely attest to that! I wouldn’t call myself “yer hardcore mama len” for nothing!!!  Hehehehehe Later that I realized that it is again one of my thousand reasons. Haya-ya-ya-yay!
Now…I did this entry not only for myself but for my friends that are still out there ‘coz I know how much unsatisfied and unhappy they are right now.  Don’t get me wrong please…I am most grateful for that job because it fed me and bought me things that I love for some time.  It’s just that every time that my friends and I would talk about our job, we can’t find a single good thing to say about it! Ahahahahaha I hope you could now feel the satisfaction of filing your resignation and the last logging out from your callmasters. ahahahahah